The Most Underrated Leadership Skill: Helping others express what they want
“One of the main reasons why most people don’t get what they want is that they haven’t decided what they want. They haven’t defined their desires in clear and compelling detail.” - Jack Canfield, The Success Principles
People who don’t clarify or acknowledge what they want at work will never feel fully empowered and engaged. Herein lies one of the foundational elements of turnover, low morale, unhealthy work cultures, underperformance, conflict, wasted potential, and missed opportunities.
One of the most impactful and inspirational acts of a leader is to help people move toward what they want (pleasure), instead of away from what they don’t want (pain).
Why it’s important to encourage your team to declare their desires
When we don’t know what we want or aren’t encouraged to declare these desires, the default desire is to avoid short-term pain. These short-term decisions prevent long-term success.
Our decisions and solutions are near-sighted.
We limit potential
We stifle growth and innovation.
We cause conflict because everyone’s short-term desires are different.
We end up addressing the same issues over and over, never making meaningful progress.
We create the very thing we are trying to avoid.
Try this instead:
Whether you are implementing a big change, navigating a serious problem, or being asked for guidance or help, begin with the end in mind.
Before responding, tell yourself: “When I’m asked for my help, presented with a problem, or inspired to offer advice, I will first ask one of these questions to discover the end in mind:”
What would you like to see happen here?
When all is said and done, what outcome are you hoping for?
What does success look like to you?
What is the best possible outcome you can imagine?
What matters most in this decision?
What would make this a win for you?
What is most important to you?
These are different ways to ask, “What do you want?” that offer clarity for both parties. Beginning with the end in mind prevents you from micromanaging, addressing the wrong issue, or failing to provide support where it’s needed most. Beginning with the end in mind teaches your team to think strategically and make better decisions.
Start from the inside out.
Leaders – if your desires aren’t clear to you, they won’t be clear to your team. Clarity is required. Without it, your team won’t know where you’re leading them, or whether they’re on the right path.
Clarifying your expectations and desires creates trust.
It creates safety. They won’t feel like your expectations shift as often as your mood.
It teaches by example. People will not be open about what they want if they aren’t sure what you want. Instead, they’ll think you have a hidden agenda.
Knowing what you want helps you to get it. Avoiding something is not the same as attaining it.
Articulating our desires is a lost skill.
Children are really good at expressing their desires. They’re born with this skill. Babies cry and get what they need. Toddlers are quite demanding. Over time, we find that we can’t always get what we want. And some of us stop asking for and acknowledging our desires altogether.
But we can’t stop, really. There’s always an inner desire. We just shove it deep down so we can’t be rejected or disappointed.
I’m not suggesting you demand like a toddler or cry like a baby.
It’s only when we know what we want and what the other person wants that we can work together, find common ground, and get what we want in a way that benefits everyone involved.
Stoic wisdom from the Rolling Stones:
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes, you might find you get what we need.”